All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
