an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
