Pappa wants mamma naked
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
