So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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