hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
