I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
