Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
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He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
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I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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