I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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