Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
