New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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