Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
