why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
