tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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