i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
should my penis look like a turkey
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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