He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
