No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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