Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
