some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
