i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
