I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
