Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
