I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
