I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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