I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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