Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
