It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
honey bunches of taint.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
