if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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