She went from zero to smokin in five shots
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
