I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
