You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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