My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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