idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch