She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
