There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
