I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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