I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
