Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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