Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
