I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
