i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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