I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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