Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
