The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
