I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
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I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
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I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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