I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
