I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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