You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
