I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
