I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
