Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
