If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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