the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
