so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
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It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
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well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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