I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
