who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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