It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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