my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
