I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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